what about retirement?

this thought pops into my head often...what happens to us (me and my husband) when we get to retirement? i do not mean about having the necessary savings. i mean living life. it is easy now to be wrapped up in the kids and easy to avoid dinners out, spontaneous trips, meals on the go. we need to plan with kids so that always includes planning for me. but eventually those reasons will not longer be at the front of our decisions. trips to china and italy will never happen, trips to the grand canyon and arizona spas and golf course will never happen, trips to place we can make a weekend like nyc and washington dc might happen with so much planning and paying for a full suite with a kitchen, spontaneous day trips will never happen.

this is just so sad. one organism who was designed to survive but is a single celled organism controls my life. i am a member of what some would say is the most intelligent species on earth - at least we are in the top 10. and my life is what it is because we are so blinded by are own stupidity we refuse to see parasites for what they are. and because of this my husband will probably in the end spend retirement without me. we might come home to the same house but the adventures will not be together.

missing birthday cake, and thanksgiving dinner and home made ravioli on new years compare to the sadness of this fact

today could be about.........

today could be about being so tired of cooking food for my family I can not eat, or just exhausted of being sick, or wondering what I am going to start telling my three year old when he really realizes him mom does not eat anything but chicken, or my decision to make it until the youngest turns 20, or my drive to finally reach out to the doctors in california that supposedly treat blastocystis.

this is the roller coaster of a typical day. I can turn on a dime with my mood from ok with life because I have my husband and my kids to wanting to end it all just so I did not have to buy another chicken breast from BJ's. it is exhausting being chronically ill and chronically fatigued.

my reality is no one really knows how hard my days are, that i binge on chocolate chip cookies because I am so tired of living with a parasite that has destroyed my life, that I cry when my three year old has a normal bowel and I cry even harder when he does not.

this is what today was about.

Wed 5:55am

this stinks. i am so very tired of being sick. i had one weird attack starting last night around 7ish. it was just like water pouring from me. not any other real intense symptoms though which lead me and my husband to think i had picked up the gi bug our little one had seemed to have had the last couple of days. but now i just woke up with that stupid nausea. and visited the bathroom and am mad at the time and myself and all of this. so sick and tired of all of this. when i get like this i pace the house trying to settle down and i often type emails to distant people i have met while experiencing this bad bug just to vent. i also feel so much better when i feel like i have a plan moving forward. omg this stinks. i do not plan to go to work today, which i hate when this bug has me feeling so bad i can not work and have to use my benefit time, which i know i am lucky to have. well it is now 6:01 and another one of my habits is to go sit in the recliner in the basement. i still use it since i can curl up and sit up and have something to lean back against and try to fall asleep. here's to 15 minutes before the alarm goes off and the day begins.

potential topics

So I see I must have had a bad night one day in July since that was my first and last post. I am not feeling well and also started watching 9/11 documentaries which have my a little restless. I have decided to do some venting and thought a list of the endless possibilities of things to blog about with my chronic illness might help with the venting.
holiday dinners
retirement
pain
schedules
lack of spontaneity
not be able to share with my kids
hysteria over toilet seats
money
doctors
ever expanding google search results
late night attacks
changing symptoms
cookie binging
everyday cooking
food bills
things I miss
child bearing years stolen
family just not getting it
anniversaries/date nights
every day dinners
hope
depression
disgust
internet reach outs